Always being the one who goes the extra mile, aka, the one who’ll do anything to be loved… can really wear you out!
This week, I hit a wall. I was more tired, more emotional, and then it hit me, all the running around that I do sucks up a lot of my energy…
I chase after a job, I chase after money, I run to get everything done… at this point you might be thinking “so does everyone else”.
Above all, I run after people…
I run after people to get things organized. I run in search of answers. I run to catch up with people. I run to find time to see my friends.
In short, sometimes I feel like I spend all of my time running around, like I’m on a treadmill, and that’s not going to get me anywhere.
Please don’t misunderstand, I enjoy organizing trips, activities, dinners and other special events, but there are times I wish that I could step back and let someone else take the reigns. Feeling like I’m harassing people, be it for one reason or another, doesn’t exactly boost my self-confidence… like when I’m left wondering if things will go as planned and whether people are genuinely interested in the plans I’ve made or they’re just saying yes because they feel pressured to do so.
What really hurts, at times, is feeling like I have to chase after the people I care most about… aka, my friends. Everyone’s busy, we all have things we need to take care of, and sometimes it can quickly become overwhelming. I know that some things are far more important or urgent than others.
Sometimes, I wish I didn’t have to be the one who takes the initiative to text or telephone or suggest some face time. But I’m afraid that if I don’t make the first move, we’ll grow apart and our friendship will eventually end. I’m equally afraid that people will think that I’m too intense and too needy.
Sometimes, I tell myself that I should just STOP. Let someone else make the first move. I try to convince myself but I just can’t do it… my heart gets the better of me. I have such a deep-seated need to feel loved. My neediness makes me question myself. Damn my insecurity!
Source : Pixabay
I end up running even faster than I did before. I’ve always been the organizer, the gatherer. I’m so terrified that people will forget about me, that they won’t include me in their plans, that I take the lead. I take care of everything, even if it means exhausting myself.
Most of the time I don’t mind all of the running… sometimes, I even enjoy it. Why not make the most of the holiday season to catch up with friends and family or organize a get-together? Who knows, it might soothe someone’s worries and bring a smile to people’s faces.