The 101 is a new column where I, Nadia Aubin, will try my best to shed light on the most basic or perhaps complex situations one might find themselves. I will give you some tips on what I think you should do or avoid at all costs. Before we dive in, it should be noted that I am by no means a health professional, and to be honest, these articles are as therapeutic for me as they might be for you. So here it goes…
Let’s have a chat about DRUNK TEXTING, shall we?
But before we go any further… let’s clarify what kind of drunk texting I’m referring to. It’s more about drunk texting your prospect or the guy you’re currently seeing. Are you already relating to this article? Thought so…
Let’s be honest here… we all know how this starts: a night out with the girls, you establish beforehand it’ll only be a one-drink kinda night, then little do you know… it ends with 4 pints of lager, a pitcher of sangria, 3 Tequila shots, 2 Jägerbombs and for obvious reasons… the rest is just a blur. Your whole squad agrees in letting your guy do the chasing and you cutting him some slack. I mean, it’s no secret that he’ll be the topic of conversation between two drinks, so might as well get straight to the point, eh? “What do you think I should do with him?”… That’s usually more or less how it starts and this famous response undoubtedly follows: “Girl, chill… if he likes you, he’ll text you first” (Chill… my ass!)
We all know after two glasses of wine, temptation takes over your pride and all hell breaks loose. You then realize at this exact moment that it’s already a lost cause and just assume going with it would be the most logical choice. Not wrong there, but I’m here for you today to ensure that your Drunk Texting session won’t be too damaging and perhaps, quite a successful one. I mean, the best would be to put your beloved phone down, but we all know you would only do so if your phone’s dead. Who are we kidding!
1. Turn off your phone
Eye roll me all you want, but deep down you know it’s true.
2. Have a designated texter
In other words, someone has to approve your texts before you hit send. She has the right to VETO and edit them. Group text is also acceptable if the assistance in human form you require isn’t sharing a beer with you in real time.
3. WARN THE POOR GUY THAT YOU’RE OUT AND ABOUT WITH A HIGH CHANCE OF DRUNK TEXTING AHEAD
I sometimes… quite often- say while writing to the guy back and forth “I must warn you, there’s a high chance of drunk texting tonight, so brace yourself”. He probably won’t be as confused if he wakes seing a poorly written message from your drunk self sent at 2am. Plus it might spice-up the conversation a bit. Who knows.
4. Keep it short
Long text means higher chance of making grammar mistakes. Plus too many details about your night takes all the mystery away.
5. Keep it sassy
YOUR NIGHT > HIS NIGHT
6. Use Gifs
These bad boys have saved my ass so many times. It combines #3 and #4. Win Win. Moreover, some Gifs are hysterical that it makes the drunk texting session even more enjoyable.
7. No drunk calls…
If you have too… you can only call your UBER driver.
8. Don’t you dare text your ex
9. If you’re struggling to type your password… PUT THE PHONE DOWN
Usually when your phone is only a mere 3 inches away from your face… that should be a good sign to stop.
10. Same goes for vibing on Rihanna while being in the bathroom stall.
11. Go easy on the sexting
It also depends on the relationship you have with that person… If ever the conversation takes a spicy turn, keep it light. Plus, you’re out with your friends meaning there’s no need to spend your entire night just texting him. Simply send him something that will perhaps make him miss you. I’ll let your imagination do your rest.
12. Booty call dilemma
I usually stay with the girls on a night out so this has rarely happened to me. I have been booty called before and truly have gotten the funniest and awkward invitations that were worth screenshotting and sharing in my group text. Needless to say, if you drank and you’re booty calling someone… do me a favour, switch to water. Being a hot mess isn’t at all glamorous and you might end up regretting it the next morning.
13. DON’T DELETE ANY CONVERSATIONS OUT OF SHAME
There’s nothing worse when your drunk self deletes conversations and have your sober self trying really hard to remember what you wrote the night before -AND TO WHOM!!! It could be vital information and if you really have to delete what you wrote before… just re-read the whole conversation the morning after and then hit delete. Plus it’s a really fun read, a painful one but quite entertaining to say the least.
14. Still have some hints of pride the morning after... here are some phrases you could use
After these, you can be sure you’ll get a funny response and perhaps your life will go back to normal. Until the next time you go out for “a drink” with your friends… You can thank me later.
– “Well I guess I had a fun night yesterday ;) Too bad you weren’t there, you missed quite a show”
-“I don’t know which is worse, reading yesterday’s messages or dealing with this unwanted hangover”
-“Oh god. How lovely! I clearly outdid myself last night!” (For nights when I went overboard with the sass)
-“Still feeling fabulous… thanks for asking ;)”
-“Hope I didn’t traumatize you too much… but then again I warned you” (See point #3)
Cover image: Priscilla Du Preez Photography
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