Life-changing experiences have often left me with unanswered existential questions. It’s frustrating and I imagine you’ve felt the same way too at one point or another in your life. It’s especially difficult when mourning the loss of a relationship that we had hoped would flourish. Despite the dark overtone of my words, you will see that I have nonetheless learned some valuable lessons from a very unhealthy relationship. Of one thing you can be certain, relationships make us grow as individuals.
As per the title of this article, I didn’t deserve to be his girlfriend. Nope. I was the fuckfriend, the girl with whom there are no restraints, the girl we love to have in our bed. As for being seen with her in public, well, that’s something else entirely. I was the girl he took for granted, the one with whom he burned the pain and anger he accumulated between two fuck sessions. I was the girl you don’t introduce to your family. I was a secret. I was, to be polite, his fuckin’ rebound. I was the buffer between his past and his future girlfriends. Why didn’t I merit being acknowledged as his girlfriend? Didn’t I deserve the “I love you’s” and the tender moments of affection like the other women? Why did I get the rough and tumble and the indifference? Why didn’t I deserve sweet words of love and acts of affection?
Despite feeling like I’d been used, feeling like a piece of shit, some (though not much) good did come out of all this. I finally realized that I’m worth a lot more than that relationship had me believe. All is not lost because I know that I will never again be someone’s dirty little secret. I will be a strong and independent woman who is respected and loved.
In the end, it was he who did not deserve to be my boyfriend.
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