“I’m just not ready to be in a relationship right now.”

Ah. This. How many of us, MILF or otherwise, haven’t heard this gem at some point in our lives? Second only to (and usually followed by) “it’s not you, it’s me” in the Hierarchy of Totally Garbage Excuses, “I’m not ready” is usually code for “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you specifically but I don’t have the strength of character to articulate that” or “Caring about you seems like work, however I am super ready to continue my relationship with your vagina” or “I’m married” (true story). It seems like everybody’s just too fucked up to get close these days (except for literally putting yourself inside another human, which is totally kewl).

Rodney Dangerfield GIF

Source: Giphy

But why?

When I ask audiences about dating, most people remain silent. Yes, this could mean they’re shy. It could mean there’s no audience because I do English comedy in Montreal. Or it could mean that people are literally just giving up. This possibility is depressing as hell- but can we really blame them? Dating is the Actual Fucking Worst.

I have had the privilege(?) of having dated both before and after having a child, and I can say with confidence that both versions are veritably more depressing than actual clinical depression. It’s hard for all parties involved, and being a single MILF adds a whole new dimension to the highs, lows and really really very super extra low lows of opening up to other people. And when you’ve been doing this long enough, you start to notice…patterns.

The “I’ve Never Been With A Mom Before”

Generally speaking, these are the words you hear before having a really medium time. As previously mentioned, the Mom Body is a badge of honour that falls somewhere between eating pufferfish and having your picture taken with an elephant. These are not the words of a potential life partner, rather the words of a 25-year-old who “wants to see your wild side”, posts pics of spaghetti and thinks Clit is one of the Backstreet Boys. This is a guy who wants to rock your world and send your nudes to National Geographic. This is a guy who doesn’t need to tell you he hasn’t been with a mom before. We know, Aiden. We know.

The “Kid? What Kid?”

Kids aren’t for everyone, including a lot of single people. I don’t even like most kids, so I get it. Fortunately there are people out there who are willing to make an effort for a woman they really like. Welcoming a child into your life can be a big adjustment, which is why so many guys prefer the old fashioned approach of Just Pretending It Doesn’t Exist. This is an extremely effective way to continue benefitting from everything a single mom has to offer without having to engage in- or think about- one of the most important aspects of her life. Don’t want to hear pointless details about the kid’s life? Simply stare blankly until the distance, wait until she takes a breath and immediately turn the conversation to how much you love travel. Uncomfortable with seeing family pictures around her apartment when you just want to jiggle her boobies and have her cook you an omelet? Conspicuously avoid them but don’t ever acknowledge it- she’ll be too busy giving you a reacharound to notice. Afraid you might actually meet the kid? Easy- have the single mom come to you, no matter how inconvenient or exhausting it is for her. I mean, really, her place is kind of a shithole anyway.

The “Behold, ‘Tis My Dick, A Gift From Jesus Christ Himself”

Truth be told, I spend a lot of time home alone, masturbating to the image of happy couples in freshly purchased picture frames and weeping into my tetra pak of Mom Wine™. But single MILF life isn’t entirely day after endless day of utter emptiness.

I mean- is it easy? No. Can it take longer to meet long-term partners? Sometimes. Is it difficult for us to get laid?

Sponge Bob GIF

Source: Giphy

I think people forget a fundamental fact about humans: guys like to put their dicks places. It’s as simple as that. But to certain people, the thought of voluntary intimacy with a woman whose physical purpose has already been served is something quite foreign. So when the unspeakable happens and he decides to gift a mom with his peen, it’s a Really Fucking Big Deal. It is common practice to first notify the mom he is *considering* using her body for his pleasure. This is quite cruel considering she is probably at home, nude, googling “liposuction- fast?” and awaiting this, the Only Dick. Commonly used phrases include: “I don’t know why, but I find you attractive”, “Part of me wants to be with you” (spoiler alert: it’s his wang) and “I would totally have sex with you”.

Swooning GIF

Source: Giphy

The “Nice Guy: Future Stepdad Edition”

Everyone knows the Nice Guy. He’s caring, attentive, generous and just a few kind gestures away from getting his knob polished forevermore. Something you may not know is that he knows what single moms need. Trust him. He knows. You just don’t know yet. Why are you playing hard to get? He has a lot of respect for single moms. Just let him take care of you. You deserve better than what other men can offer. Not that many other men can be offering much. Or anything, really. You are a single mom. Not that it’s a bad thing. It’s just that most men won’t appreciate that. But they’re not real men. Like him. He’s not like the other guys. JUST LET HIM FUCKING SAVE YOU OK

The “I Like You But I’m Not Ready To Be A Dad”

Look- every single mom *does* want to trap men, tie them down and turn them into Miserable Replacement Dads. It’s just what we do. How the fuck are we supposed to focus on things like mutually fulfilling adult relationships when we’re really just trying to get our Tinder dates to make the kids’ lunches and teach them important lessons via sports analogies until the day they fucking die?

So if a single mom asks you out for a drink and you’re thinking “but I don’t even know how to do French braids”, trust your instincts and get the fuck out. Never mind the reality that the average single mom has been doing this on her own for years and genuinely doesn’t need a partner– if she suggests you coming for dinner while her kids are there, get a fucking vasectomy immediately to assert your biological independence. Let’s just set aside the reality here, which is that having children in your life isn’t a crisis, you fluffbag– if she starts giving too much information, like their names, get a goddamned restraining order. Forget the fact that a ton of kids already have dads– if she starts talking about commitment, realistically she probably microchipped your junk in the dead of the night weeks ago. Good luck!

Running GIF

Source: Giphy

If I’m making this sound really bad, that’s because, well- it is. Dating blows, no matter who you are. Rejection is the worst. There are countless reasons things don’t work out. Most people aren’t romantically compatible with most other people, and it’s okay to be honest about that. Here’s the thing, though. As a single mom, you can (and will) hear every excuse imaginable for things not working out. And sure, plenty of them are valid. The reality, though, is that most of the time it boils down to the same uncomfortable, unspoken reason: “Dating a mother is not a serious option for me”.

So what’s a single mom to do? Marry Prince Stepdad? Focus on her career? Die alone? Or worse- die with fucking Aiden?

Find out (maybe?) next time in MILF Chronicles: Part 3.

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Ellie MacDonald

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MILF Chronicles: Part 1