Lifestyle

I remember the first time I heard it.

I was twenty-one  years old and had given birth to my daughter less than a month before. It was a beautiful spring day and as I pushed her stroller down the sidewalk, the sound of a revving engine caught my ear. I turned just in time to see a powder blue Dodge Caravan passing by, and as it sped into the distance, the wobbly strain of a full-blown pubescent voice rang out through my quiet Halifax neighbourhood, proclaiming the ancient prophecy for which I was destined:

“MIIIIIIIIIIIIIILF!”

That was nine years ago. Now, at 30, my life looks pretty different. Still a MILF, though.

What is a MILF, exactly?

For those unfamiliar, a MILF is a Mom I’d Like To Fuck (the T is silent and invisible). The term MILF is traditionally bestowed upon mothers who, after becoming UUDPC (Unimaginably Unfuckable Due to Pregnancy and Childbirth), have miraculously become desirable again.

Source: Giphy

I’m not sure *exactly* what this means, what the criteria are for being a MILF or who gets to make these determinations. I looked it up on Urban Dictionary and a MILF is described as “Some hot ass mom of a friend’s that you wanna do so badly”. Aside from the obviously problematic grammar in this definition, it’s pretty vague. And inaccurate. My kid’s friends only like me because I make good crepes and I say the F word. So far I’ve had ZERO feedback on how flat my stomach is (it’s not) or whether I have an ass that doesn’t quit (it doesn’t).

Other definitions and characteristics include “a sexually attractive older woman”, “usually drive Volvos”, “really responsive nipples”, “usually soccer moms”, “they want to fuck with abandon”, “usually real careful about birth control”, “they don’t necessarily have to be mothers” “young moms are also considered MILFs” and “Moro Islamic Liberation Front”.

I guess what I’m trying to say is the MILF is in the eye of the beholder. Everybody is a MILF to somebody.

Everybody is a MILF

Source: Giphy

I fall into the category of being a live, breathing woman who is divorced with a child, in addition to being a millennial. As a result of this I exist in many worlds at once, and there’s no shortage of MILF enthusiasts in each of them. The following is a breakdown of a few of the common interactions I have as a young single mom:

The “But You’re So Young!”

This is the typical reaction upon discovering I have a child. At this point it’s not that I’m particularly young to be a mother- as mentioned, I’m 30. Rather, it’s the fact that most people meet me in comedy clubs and not their grandpa’s house in 1957. Finding a mom in public without her children can be confusing, particularly if she’s not wearing an apron, repeatedly shouting “HAROLD, YOU FORGOT THE TURKEY” or literally giving birth in the street. People are fascinated and there are always questions: “Boy or girl?” “How old?” “Should I call child services?” Most questions typically remain unanswered- at this point I’ve usually blacked out from separation anxiety.

The “Wow, You Look So Good (For A Mom)!”

It can be quite jarring for people to learn that after our entire bodies explode during childbirth, most women enjoy showering. While it’s true that all women transmogrify into shapeless, undulating MILK TROLLS upon worldly entry of their progeny, many people are surprised to know that we can occasionally somehow cram the tattered shards of our womanhood into a pair of jeans. Incredible. Applying makeup well is impressive, but imagine the reaction to your perfect brows when you’re literally just a sack of puppies!

The “I Think It’s So Sexy You’re A Mom”

This can be interpreted in a lot of ways, but it can fundamentally be divided into three categories, listed below from least to most likely:

  1. I think it’s so sexy that you’re strong and capable and complex and caring and responsible and I’m very much into going there with you.
  2. I think it’s so sexy that you can do the things my mom refuses to do for me now.
  3. What. Is. Your. Vagina. Like?

Look- we’re all curious. Is there a guy alive who hasn’t thought about putting his dick in the Hindenburg? It’s almost impossible not to fetishize the mom vag. It’s a rite of passage, a bucket list item, like skydiving, hot yoga or waving your penis over the Grand Canyon. A mom’s naked body is an endless source of wonder. What are stretch marks and how can they pleasure me? Are there more babies in there? Will I get milk on my iPhone? Only the most courageous men will know.

Of course, being a MILF isn’t *just* about being openly objectified by strangers. Don’t get me wrong- it’s super easy for a mom to catch a D (more on this next time)- but life isn’t just about eating bananas slowly and wearing glasses for no reason. Being a MILF is complicated- especially if you’re unattached. But how do I convince the world there’s more to me than great hair and an enigmatic V?

Unpack the single mom’s curse with me as I get specific about the different types of suitor who make up the MILF-lovin’ meat market in MILF Chronicles: Part Deux.

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Ellie MacDonald

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